…is what I am.

I’ve been reading Dan B. Allender’s book, Leading with a Limp. And I’m amazed at how accurately he describes what I experience most days in the various capacities in which I lead.

“A reluctant leader knows that her calling to lead is ridiculous, but she bears the high glory of God’s decision to call weak fools into the work of leading others.”

These words bring me great comfort.

Just over a month ago, I sat opposite one of my closest friends and confidant (and work colleague), and had him tell me he was truly surprised when I accepted this job 6 years ago and still questions how and why I do it. This conversation meant in love, hit me in a weak spot as I have spent much of this year questioning my call to leadership and my role as a Campus Minister.

And what often happens for me and others I look up to, is that its often despite me that God’s glory is revealed. And often when I feel weakest, that’s when God does some powerful ministry through (and to) me.

“We should bless men and women who have done their level best to escape leadership but who have been compelled to return and put their hand on the tiller. We should expect anyone who remains in a formal leadership context to experience repeated bouts of flight, doubt, surrender, and return.”

Even as I write this and those same ponderings of ‘is this the right fit’ come up, I find myself having a full and gratifying text message conversation with a first year student.  A conversation that started with her choosing out of an invitation that led her to choose into a bigger one. It’s these moments that make me love my job.